I did it!

I am a Registered Nurse! I did it!

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Just left waiting.

School is done. That's it. I've graduated, we've done our pinning ceremony and I've taken my NCLEX. I originally planned to take it September 13...BUT I'd already been studying more than a month since I started right after the exit exam...and I moved it up to September 5th. My husband said I could do it, and to date, he's been wrong about 5 times, so with his good track record, why not...I did it.

I knew the morning of I would be in no shape to drive, it would be all up to him. Since my test was at 12, I figured we'd drop the kids off at school, return the carpet shampooer I had rented the day before (yes, I shampooed the carpets the day before NCLEX, had to occupy myself some how), get some coffee and breakfast and head to the testing site. We got there 2 hours early despite trying to take our time. I was in fits. I was freaking out. What does my husband do? Falls asleep next to me in the car! Here I was at the MOMENT that would tell whether or not I was good enough, and he friggin falls asleep and SNORES in the drivers seat. Twitter saved me. People kept me "talking" and joking around...and when I was getting ready to go in and test, the husband decided to wake up. LOL! Got my good luck kiss and went inside.

I wanted to barf. It is as awful as everyone says it is, don't let anyone tell you any different. It doesn't matter how you have studied, how well you did in school...that day that you walk into that testing center is the worst day of your life. You want to barf, your brain is blank, you KNOW NOTHING! I sat at the computer and started the tutorial...and couldn't read a darn word. The tutorial finished and the first question popped up and I was blank. Three years of information ran from my head and I knew not a darn thing. I took a few deep breaths...closed my eyes, counted to five....and I could read again. Information was in my brain again and I was ready to go! The questions were fair. They weren't "easy" they weren't "hard"...they were fair. Grammar was perfect, spelling was spot on and there were no annoying misspellings (three years of misspelled tests, I was gonna scream!). A few times I thought, "Crap, was that a DIDN'T understand or did the patient understand???" or "DANG! Was that question implying that she KNEW what she was doing???"....

Question 74 loomed on the screen and I was terrified to continue. Some more deep breathing and I clicked next. Answered  75 as carefully as I could, and looked at the "next" button. I just stared at it. Closed my eyes. Opened them. Darn it, the computer didn't move on on it's own, darn thing wasn't working telepathically, that meant I'd have to click next on my own. Ugh. Fine. CLICK!

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It asked if I wanted to take the survey now...sure, what else am I gonna do? Start the test over? You are out of your mind! So I did the survey...and holy crap, I didn't know if I was a boy or a girl, Hispanic or Asian! I was freaking out! I finished the survey, shaking, gathered my things and walked out. That was it. Three years of blood, sweat and tears came down to that measly 45 minutes. That was it. Texted the husband that I was done and walked to meet him at Starbucks. He had just barely gotten settled into Starbucks and was shocked I was done. Three hours later, checked my pearson vue and tried to register again....I COULDN"T REGISTER!!!!!!! That was it! I was a nurse! Sasha Ricci, BSN, RN. Now, if only the board would post my license number and I could get started finding a job.

Two weeks left, and some new insights

I have 15 days until I graduate! Then it's NCLEX time and then the big JOB HUNT!!!! From the beginning I was thinking, "ER! That's it! That's the ONLY place I will EVER work!"....but then life and school showed me other things that I would be good at! My first few clinical rotations had me cringing at older patients, until I realized WHY! They forced me to view my own mortality! I was going to be old one day, I was going to be frail one day. My youth would be gone, my strength would fade and my children would grow and move on...and I hated that thought! I'm no spring chicken by any means, but hey, I still work out, I still grab life by the horns and ride on...and these patients made me realize that we all will get old. It wasn't until my last rotation that I was able to fully realize how special our older generation is! They have great stories, they accept what is happening and they have amazing insight to life and the hidden secrets, you just have to be willing to LISTEN! Even the patients that seemed grouchy and angry at life...they all just wanted someone to listen to their point of view, realize that they had already "been there, done that" and had a million t-shirts to commemorate it...and they wanted and sometimes NEEDED to share this with people.

There are so many new nurses who are saying, "I will never work LTC" or "Ugh, I'll just do my year and move on"...What about your patients? What about joyfully doing a job and learning and being loyal to them? They also like to see our youth and our vitality, I believe it gives them strength. I've also heard "I do not ever want to do hospice!"...these families and patients need our strength! We are young, we can help them shoulder their burden!

My views have morphed a bit, and while the ER is still tantalizing and exciting and fast...there are also other possibilities on my checklist and I have a chance of falling in love with each and every one of those!

LTC---The older generation need our compassion, strength and love as much as we need to learn from their wisdom. They've taken the lumps life has to offer, wouldn't it be great to learn from them and avoid the same mistakes? Laugh with them about their stories of raising children in the 70's? Laugh with them when they talk about how cheap gas was? Cry with them when they mourn the loss of a friend?

Hospice---These families need our shoulders. We are trying to help their loved one pass with dignity, grace and minimal pain. We are allowed a window into the souls of the family, and this is a great honor, one that should not be scoffed at as being "below" a new nurse.

Oncology---Never thought I would consider this field. My grandfather died of cancer and I walled myself up and didn't let anyone in...that was my mistake. I have strength to give families and patients at this point in their life that I think I would have loved to have been offered. These patients are terrified, and the method to healing them is also killing them...they need a rock in the storm, they need a gentle hand, they need a silent supporter who they know they can just let go in front of and cry until the tears are dry.

ER---Still holds it's glory, but it is not alone in my eyes anymore. This encompasses all that I have listed, these patients are terrified also and need the same strength, but the point of all this is to realize that there are more places that will offer the same things.....

I will be grateful to get a job, any job...but I am also loyal and understand that what I have to give can benefit people in other places. I wish new grads were more open to possibilities. I wish they were open to what they had to offer as well as what they can learn and grow from.

How to answer a kids question.

My daughter (who is 8) loves to text, so she decided to ask my MILs boyfriend (who is VERY smart) a question. here is the conversation:
Mick: why do people say drinking coffee will make you short?
Ed: There is no documented evidence of drinking coffee making you short or stunting your growth. however, coffee contains xanthene derivatives ...caffeine in general is a stimulant, and a diuretic, which means it makes you pee more than you otherwise would. in doing so, it also inhibits the reuptake of calcium in your kidneys. so, one looses more calcium than one otherwise would. Most things aside, that's not a good thing in growing children or old people. the thought probably being that loosing calcium when one's growing means you have smaller bones. caffeine and its derivatives do have other side effects that aren't always desirable. I'd probably keep my caffeine intake to a minimum all things considered
Mick: ok thank you

LMAO. made my day!

Time to finish this.

I have 41 days left of school. That's it. 41 days left. After that I am given a piece of paper that qualifies me to take the most important test of my life so far. A test that I have gambled over $100,000 to take. It's amazing isn't it? The fact that I would gamble so much  money on a test that can give me as few as 75 question or as many as 265....and that after that I will have the ability to help sick people, hold the hands of the dying, reassure a mother that her child will be just fine, make an old man laugh as he attempts to flirt with the new nurse. Finding a job is a whole different ball game, but that will be it. The culmination of 3 long years of studying, dreaming about pituitary glands (yes, I did, they were pink and purple in my dream) and waking up in a panic because I didn't remember charting something (when in reality I did chart it, but in nursing school, you worry about it all!).

Three years of seeing really sick people and managing to get them to smile. Three years of seeing not so sick people and wondering, "What can I do for YOU?". Three years of tears, frustration, joy, fear, trepidation. It will all be over. In 41 days I can take that test. The test that will judge my worth as a student and as a potential nurse. In 41 days I will quake in fear sitting outside of one hospital or another wondering if this interview will be the one, will this one earn me my job? In 41 days I will second guess myself after every "Submit" button that will send my resume to complete strangers who will scrutinize me and judge whether or not I am worthy of the interview. (If you are that person judging me, please, call me for the interview. I swear, I will be great and I will be worth your time).

In 41 days, one part of my life will end, and another will begin. Expectations will be higher. The tears will be more. The joy, laughter and feelings of completeness will increase. The trepidation of the incoming patient will increase. The stakes will be raised. No longer can I say, "I'm a student" and have people give me the answer I can't figure out....in 41 days I will be expected to know the answers for the students that come behind me.

I can do it. I can add those letters "BSN, RN" after my name and know that I am doing them justice.

I can be all that I am expected to be, and more. I will be all that I am expected to be, and I will be more.

This is my husband

And I am proud to call him mine.

He works hard, sleeps very little and does all he can for us.

He may not fold the laundry right, or take the trash out when I want...but he does it when he doesn't have to, and that's all that matters! w

Coming to a close

So, nearly 3 years has come and gone and I am almost done with school. I've learned a lot about myself as well as nursing.

I've learned that I am smarter than I've given myself credit for. I have more compassion for people than I've thought I had in my entire body. I never thought in a million years I could be compassionate, but surprise I am. I've learned that marriage is really a partnership, and if you have a great partner like I do, they wont mind picking up your slack when you are beat.

This has been an awesome time of making friends, figuring out what I like and dislike in people, learning that more people are genuine than I thought.

Here's to the final four months of school, and a great career for the next 30 years!